So I had this dream last night that I was in hell. I was not dead, however. Apparently I was only on loan…
What happened, I guess is there was one particular fellow who is down there, and in life, he truly hated me and couldn’t stand me and just the sight of me drove him crazy. So his punishment was he had to spend eternity with me. It turns out that there are a lot of people in hell who have a deep hatred for another human being and that their punishment is that they have to spend the rest of existence with the human being they hate the most.
There is one particular demon down there whose job it is is to assume the identity of the people that these other people hate, and torment them. But apparently that demon called in sick and they needed a replacement. So they got the real deal, me. They said if I do it it counts as brownie points towards getting into heaven as I have fulfilled a supernatural duty but I am not required to take the task. So I said yes.
I had a really great time. They made sure I was never hot and they gave me awesome hard lemonade with little umbrellas in the glasses. And every so often there were smoke breaks and I got to go into the employee lunchroom and it was really fascinating to hear some of the water cooler conversations with the other demons and the staggering amount of job dissatisfaction there was in the underworld. One particular Damon was complaining about having to do this sort of thing for all of existence and how much she hated having to torment people down here and also having to fuck with people up above in the real world because it was really taking out time from her golf game. But the only bright side that she could find was everyone she had to torment was a complete douchebag and totally deserved it.
I was down there for about three days tormenting this guy, and I met a lot of people that I did not expect to have ended up in hell, and there were several people that I thought for sure would be in hell but apparently they went to heaven. After the three days, the other demon was feeling well enough to come back to work.
They gave me a tour and I got to see all behind the scenes of what goes on. I got to visit the main office. There were a lot of humans in the office block and I was amazed because they seem to have all really nice cushy jobs and were enjoying themselves. I asked one of the demons about that. Apparently what God thinks is bad enough to send you to hell, and what the devil thinks is bad enough to send you to hell are two very different things. It seems that there are some minor infractions that God frowns upon but the devil considers tiny, petty and really not worth their time torturing you over when they literally had bigger fish to fry. So all of these people got a cushy office or personal assistant jobs.
Before they sent me on my way I was given a get out of the limbo free card. They said they really appreciated the help and if I ever fuck up in life and end up in hell, I would get a personal assistant job on a field assignment working for the possessions department.
copyright 2016 Gene Chiovari
